Not Letting The Past Rob My Present

I have been wanting to share an amazing secret with you…

I am expecting a baby! 10 weeks along with a due date of June 13th. I have been wanting to share this with you for some time. But I waited. I waited until the doctor confirmed the pregnancy.

I waited until my 9 week sonogram – a routine for me because of our history of miscarriage – when I could see the heartbeat, hear the heartbeat and smile as the technician said everything looked perfect. Perfect. She actually said perfect.


And yet, I still waited. I found myself hesitant to share the wonderful news. Why?

Because I know there are so many who are praying for life to take hold in their womb. Because of our history – because I’m the Mother of the Miscarriage.

The unnamed.

The forgotten.

The unacknowledged.

And it hurts. A past miscarriage can taint the joy of even a normal pregnancy. It can leave you hyper vigilant and fearful of every symptom or lack thereof.

Estimates say one in every four pregnancies end in miscarriage, 25%. My miscarriage rate is 50%. We have had two healthy, wonderful babies. We’ve also lost two. Early losses at 12 weeks and 8 weeks, but losses the same.

Blessedly early I didn’t have to birth a breathless baby.

Bitterly earlyI didn’t get to birth and hold a breathless baby.

And I wonder, with this blessed pregnancy, will our rate rise to 60% or fall to 40%? Strange thoughts I know. But this is the aftermath of being the Mother of the Miscarriage.

Are you also a Mother of the Miscarriage?

Don’t let anyone tell you you aren’t a mother. You are. You’ve held life, no matter how short a time. You are a mother. And though losing that baby hurt, in time you will find you were blessed in other ways.

You are a mother.

You were chosen.

A vessel to deliver souls to heaven.

And though you didn’t get to know your baby here on earth, your baby knows you.

I take great comfort in the fact that when I enter heaven those two lost babies will be there to greet me – whole, in all their glory and so much wiser than I because they have had more time at the feet of Jesus.

To those whose arms ache because they never held their little one – you will hold one another in heaven.

To those whose spirit aches because they chose to abort their baby for health or convenience – the Lord forgives and your child is waiting to love on you in heaven.

To those who are haunted by the cries of babies born too early or unwell – they were not crying in pain, they were crying from the sadness of having to leave you behind, and joy in knowing you will one day be reunited.

I send love to all those Mothers of the Miscarriage. And I dance with joy over the life inside me. I will cherish every moment, whether they be long term or fleeting. Because every moment is a blessing.

An Aching Heart

*UPDATED – Thank you to all who prayed. Court went well on Thursday. Not great, my friend was still presented as a problem the court needed to fix, but better than what could have happened. The good news is, the hearing (which was only scheduled for an hour) dragged on and time ran out. They rescheduled a date in late October for my friend to come back and defend herself as she didn’t get a chance to bring any of her witnesses forward. This gives her a whole month to prepare for this expanded hearing. New strategies are being laid and the Lord’s heavenly host are being called on to fight this battle for her. I’m happy to report that 10 of us showed up to support her, and I think it made a difference. I feel it gave her credibility in the court’s eyes and it bolstered her lawyer’s confidence. It was a good day. God is good.

I’m sorry I haven’t been around this month. I’ve missed you all. I’ve wanted to write…but I just couldn’t. I was uninspired. My heart has been aching for a friend walking a very difficult road.

Will you pray for her and her children?

I won’t/can’t share the details yet. But I will say that she is, from everything I’ve ever seen, a wonderful, loving, Christian, homeschooling mom. And right now she is facing losing custody of her children and possible jail time.

I pray this is not so. May eyes be opened, hearts softened, and a fear of God and a reverence for His law be instilled in the hearts of men. May chains be broken and mercy prevail.

Some friends and I will be accompanying her to court tomorrow. Thank you for your prayers. Truly. Thank you.

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In His Hand

I’m glad to be in His hand.

I had so wanted to move to Libya. I was ready for the adventure – I wanted to live, eat and breathe another culture and raise my kids with a world view. When it didn’t happen I was heartbroken. I had a good cry or two. It was definitely a blow.

With all the tragedy now going on there I can see why God said no.

There have been a few other blows lately. The most recent, we’re supposed to close on a house in about 10 days and just found out the loan may not go through due to a lack of comparables.

And other, more personal issues, I can’t blog about. Some things need to stay “in the vault” you know.

I just get so tired of being wrong. Of praying over decisions, having all signs point to yes, marching ahead, only to have the door slammed shut as we reach it.

But I know I am still in His hand. I know that even though I may not be hearing Him, He is with me. I know that every defeat builds character and gets me one step closer to the victory. I know that He has plans to prosper me and not harm me.

I know I am in His hand.
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